Rollercoasters

While the technical definition of the word cliché is “a phrase or word that has lost its original effectiveness or power from overuse” I have also heard it said that the term or saying to which it refers is simply stated so truthfully or powerfully that it simply can’t be said any better.

Well the one I am thinking of right now is, “life is full of ups and downs.”

How true, how true, how true that has been for me this year. Good grief. I’ve certainly had these peaks and valleys over the course of my life. However, this year is taking the cake right now.
In February, I was on top of the world performing my hypnosis show in Las Vegas for the first time. That, naturally, was an “up.”
In a 30-day period through July and August I grossed $500 in income before expenses. That is pretty much as low as it’s ever been for me in my adult life, income wise.

But this type of uncertainty is a potential risk for someone like me who wishes to have some control of his destiny. I have never been a conformist and to become one as completely as necessary to achieve the security that most people have would about kill me.
Although, ironically, during these down times, and this particular period, I have sometimes gone to sleep and hoped that I would not wake up anymore.

What is really making this matter worse right now is that I may have made a very, very bad decision that was made based on my loyalty to a few people. I recently had an offer to do something that, if I had taken it immediately, would have meant that I would have had to stop doing something else and leave a group of people out in the cold (another cliché.)
But because I am loyal, I stuck to my guns (another cliché) and delayed a decision which means that I am risking the offer made to me if the terms I worked out don’t pan out properly.
What makes it even worse is that there are some clear signs that I may have placed my trust and loyalty in the wrong person in this group.

It would not be the first time that someone in whom I have placed my blind trust was trying to screw me or has successfully screwed me. The other night I found out for certain that someone I had let in my house over the past couple of years was stealing money from me while in here.
What is ironic with these violations of my trust, whether actual or possible, is that I spent a great deal of my early adult life working in a field where I learned not to trust anyone.
The effects of those days carried over into my personal life in a negative way. Try living life just not trusting anyone at all; it’s awful. So I spent a great deal of time working on trying to trust people again. Then I do, and what I knew will happen, happened.  

So, it’s back to the grind now after I post this. Back to trying to find more places to perform, back to writing my book, back to trying to produce a show that people will support, back to trying to get back to the top of the hill again.

But I am so overwhelmed with depression right now, its killing me; just not fast enough for my liking.

Done.