Making Better Use of My Time

A family I knew when I was in my teens lost one of their members yesterday to cancer. She was 52 with two 20-something daughters who is also survived by her parents and two sisters. 

They were told just a few weeks ago that she had 6 months to live but didn’t make it two. 

So my thoughts are with them this day.

This woman also happened to be my very first real girlfriend. 

I was 16, nearly 17, at the time and was recently out of high school. I didn’t have any relationship at all until I met this girl. Any time which I spent with a girl never went longer than a week or so; something to which I am sure everyone can relate. 

I lost contact for quite some time and reconnected through a social media site about 7 years ago. We spoke and texted from time to time and saw each other a few times over the years on a friendly basis, one which had that old bond as a base. 

When I reconnected with her she told me she was a breast-cancer survivor and told me a couple of stories about her ordeal with that. 

When I got the news that she was in the hospital again and of the prognosis it was certainly very sad. After the concern for her family, and what they were about to endure, all sorts of thoughts and feelings ran through me. But there was one thing I had to do for sure and that was visit her in the hospital before she was transferred into hospice care where I might not have had the chance to visit.

Everyone is so busy these days. I see and read how our time passes and the time that we could, and should, spend with our friends and loved ones passes by us; great opportunities to create new and lasting memories whisk past us because of whatever ultimately-poor reason we conjure. Then there are these final opportunities to make important visits, and say important things, and our list of priorities is arranged in such a way as to miss these chances. 

I am no different. My priorities can be misaligned just like anyone else. Fortunately, not this time.

I took advantage of a small opened window of time and went to visit my friend. Her mother was by her side. She was probably someone who wasn’t one of my biggest fans back then, but who could blame a mother of a teen-aged daughter for that. It took a second for her to recognize me and a few more seconds before my friend could. 

The visit was short…just about an hour or so. She was heavily medicated and really needed to sleep as she tried her best to be alert and attentive to her visitor. 

It was very, very sad and very painful to watch. But any of that for me was secondary to what else was going on there. Her mother stood vigil by her side and was there when she passed yesterday.

I was asked a couple of times after my visit how I was doing. How was I doing? I wasn’t in pain…I wasn’t dying…I wasn’t watching the life of one of my daughters fade away. Ultimately, all I could really think was that I was feeling helpless because there was nothing I could do to help.

Her mom knows I am a hypnotist. She asked me if I could hypnotize her to take away her cancer. It was the second time this year I have been asked that. Believe me if I could do that I would travel around the world doing nothing but that every day for the rest of my life. But I had to stand there and try to articulate the inevitable answer to her without allowing the words to spill over my quivering lips. 

I just wanted my friend, and her family, to know that I was there for support. I was there because she was an important part of my life and that I wanted her to know that. I wanted her to know that because she was in my life my life was better and hopefully that provided some happiness and comfort for her. 

As it was obvious she was falling asleep, I told her mom I was going to go and to keep me up to date, etc. As I started walking out she reached out to me…I had a chance to hug her for what would be the last time and whisper one last thing to her. Then it was time to say goodbye to her mom. 

I am glad I had that chance to make that final visit and say those last few words and leave a card behind, which I hope someone read to her. I hope that she had a bunch of people come by to wish her well.

As I reread what I just wrote it still somehow sounds selfish of me…as if this is about me in some way. I hate that it sounds like that and it’s because it is true in some way. Had I not gone I would have felt great regret…that is about me. But I guess that had some stupid excuse kept me from visiting that, ultimately, would have been much more selfish of me....which I guess is also selfish just to ponder.

I suppose it just has to be that way and I can’t worry about it. Death affects everyone…it's part of life. It is affecting her family in a much deeper way and, yes, it has brought grief here also. 

On that day I had to make a decision about going there or to another friend’s father’s viewing and funeral. I am sorry that I couldn’t attend that ceremony. So sorry…it’s all so sad.

I just have to make better use of my time…every day. But now I can’t write any more.